Friday, June 26, 2009

Thoughts on Aging

Dennis is out of town. And I get nervous at night. As I laid all alone in my bed at 1:00 this morning, scared of what I might see if I looked out the window, and scared of what might be standing behind me, and scared of what might happen if someone broke into my house, I was trying to think of happy thoughts so I wouldn't be scared and I could go to sleep.

My scared thoughts wandered to the death of Farrah Fawcett and (*gasp!!*) Michael Jackson and the lady in the book I had just been reading (stupid book). Somehow from there, I started thinking about getting old. And my kids growing up. And me and Dennis aging together. Because we are.

At this point, I realized that I was NOT thinking happy thoughts, but I also wasn't scared anymore. So I went back to my thoughts on aging.

I don't like getting older. Well, no, some things I do like. In fact, I like a lot of things. I like the intelligent and engaging conversations I can have with my children. They're so freaking AWESOME!! Yesterday I had a long conversation with Wade about the distance between Provo and Alaska and the distance between Provo and Venezuela. We also talked about why Halibut are such ugly fish. We contemplated what it might be like to drive to Venezuela. It is 3,482 miles from Provo to Caracas, Venezuela, in case you were wondering. That's a long drive. Longer than to Ketchikan, Alaska.

I also like the security that middle age seems to be bringing to me. I'm not so worried as I once was about what people think of me. I like my wage and my husband's salary. I like it that I wasn't scared to go back to school when I was 37 years old. I was just SO EXCITED. (I did NOT feel that way when I graduated at 23...) I like it that I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin (except for my weight, which I don't want to talk or think about).

I really like it that Dennis and I have been married for 20+ years. We've had four children together, and both survived incredible periods of morning (all day, all night, for 9 months) sickness. We've lost loved ones together. We've been through knee surgeries and stitches, hysterectomies and nervous breakdowns, broken bones and broken hearts. We've hiked mountains, gone camping, canoed and fished, fixed cars, boats, and bikes, we've planted gardens and trees and grape vines. We've built swing sets and sheds. We've installed toilets and dishwashers and ceiling fans (I'd like a couple more of those, if you're reading this, Dennis). We've moved from Utah to Illinois to Florida to Minnesota and back. Several times. We have a huge history together. I LOVE that.

And as hard as it is, I like watching my children grow up. I like watching them spread their wings, while my heart aches, as they learn and mature and get ready to go out into the world. I like to see how handsome/beautiful/smart/clever/capable they are as they grow. I like seeing the adults they are becoming.

I don't like the ways I feel myself wearing out. If I lay in bed and read too long (is four hours too long??) my back and shoulders really hurt. My knees hurt in the mornings. I have more gray hair than I want, but I have to stop pulling them out or I'll be bald. I don't want that, either. My teeth aren't as straight as they used to be, and some of them are starting to wear out. I can't do the splits anymore (who cares, except for me?), and like I mentioned earlier, I totally hate my weight. It's pretty frustrating, too, that the work that would have lost that weight in the past now doesn't get the job done! (I totally blame Krispy Kreme. This is all their fault).

I don't really like the heartache that comes when loved ones make bad choices. I don't like the helpless feeling you get when you have to watch them suffer the consequences of their decisions.

But what I came to realize during my mid-night reverie is that I am pretty happy with my life. Yeah, there are things about getting old that pretty much suck, and I bet they get worse as we get older. But there is certainly joy to be had in this journey of life, and although I often don't recognize it, last night while I was ignoring the scary things lurking in my dark bedroom, I remembered that life is beautiful. My life is beautiful. And even when it isn't, it's mine and Dennis's, and we love each other and we have children and parents and siblings and friends, and jobs and a home, and one car that works. And I was grateful.

And I drifted off to sleep feeling peaceful and calm and wondering how late I could sleep in the morning and still get to work on time.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Alaska Update

Please send me my razor.

Please send me my Muswell Hillbillies CD. I think it's in the car.

Please send me some of my favorite movies. All we have here is Season 4 of The Office.

Did my Senior Ball pictures come yet? Send those if they did.

Please get me a bolo tie from C-A-L Ranch. My blue tie doesn't look good with a plaid shirt.

The four charter boats came in yesterday with about 800 pounds of fish. We processed from 3:30 until almost 11.

I love you guys and miss you!!

Love,

Paul

http://www.cloverpassresort.com/ Look for me on the webcam!


Saturday, June 13, 2009

Reader's Choice

It's your choice. This blog post has multiple subjects, so I'm going to let you, my faithful readers, choose what topic you'd like to read about.

You could read about the last day of school for Wade and Isaac. That post would be titled, "Dance Festival." There would be pictures like these:

Of Wade, a happy cowboy about to dance to the "Boot Scootin' Boogie."
Of Wade and his awesome teacher, Mrs. Larson.

Of goofy Isaac, who danced to "The Wiggy Wiggles."
You should have seen him shake his booty!!

Of Isaac and his awesome teacher, Mrs. Ferrin.

OR
You could read about Paul's high school graduation. That post would be titled, "Paul's High School Graduation." That post would have pictures like these:
Of Paul and his handsome father getting ready to go!

Of Paul, refusing to give me ONE good picture.

Of Paul, my little man, graduating from high school. Big day.

Of Melody, my sis, and Wyatt (we call him Wypee), her little man.
They came all the way from Rexburg to be with us for graduation!!

Of Paul, crying with joy at his graduation gift. A $50 Wendy's gift card.
It was gone in three days.


OR


You could read about the graduation party we had for Paul. That post would be titled, "Graduation Celebration." It would have pictures like these:

Of Wyatt playing with the balloons we got to decorate with.

Of Wyatt still playing with the balloons.
He had WAY fun.
Of Wade reading to Wyatt to get him to take a little nap
before the party.

Of the sign Dennis made and hung up for Paul's party.

Of the backyard, all dressed up and ready to go!

Of me and Paul at his party.
Paul is eating rice with his fingers.
We had forks...

Of Kate and Adam and Jana and Melody.
Kate and Melody are putting the helium to good use.

Of Kate watching her balloon float away...


OR

You could read about Paul's random shennanigans. That post would be titled, "If You Give a Boy a Sharpie...and a cup and a paper umbrella..." That post would have a picture like this:

Of the item I found on the kitchen counter
when I came home from work one afternoon.


OR

You could read about how organized Isaac is. This post would be titled, "There's Still Room for Me! I'm Little!" There would be a picture like this one:

Of Isaac getting his bed all "orgamanized" before he goes to bed.
I asked him where he was going to sleep, and he said, "There still room for me!
I'm little!"


OR


You could read about Wade and Isaac's swimming lessons. Which really isn't all that exciting, unless you consider that Wade and Isaac have both taken their respective levels twice before, and finally passed them off!! That post would be titled, "Houston, We Have Lift Off!" That post would have pictures like these:

Of my two cute little guys.
I certainly didn't inherit my (plump) figure from either of them!!

Of Isaac taking a deep breath before he
plunges underwater to retrieve something.
He loves to retrieve things. Now that he's not
scared to go in the water.
Like he was the past two years.

Of Wade doing his incredible front crawl.


OR


You could read the post called, "Now You See Them, Now You Don't!" You could guess what Kate did this week! There would be pictures like these:

Of Kate BEFORE

And of Kate AFTER
she got her Wisdom Teeth removed.
Kinda bad day...

Of Poor Kate the days after, and trust me
I DIDN'T put up the pictures when she looked
REALLY BAD.
She would've killed me.


OR

You could read the very last post, which would be called, "One Flew Out Of the Cuckoo's Nest, or Flying the Coop, or Leaving Home for the First Time." That post might make me start to cry. Because I would remember my little man the day we brought him home from the hospital, and he was so small. And I would remember the day he learned to ride his bike without training wheels. And I would remember the day he stabbed me in the rear with a pencil because I wouldn't let him have cookies before dinner. And I would remember how tender he was with Kate when she was a baby. And I would remember his first day of school. And I would remember helping him with his math homework. And I would remember him leaving the lights on all night. And I would remember him wrestling with Wade and Isaac and all the neighborhood kids. And I would remember that this is a really hard day for a mom, but a really HUGE and exciting day for a young man. And I will remember to pray for him and hope that he's happy and that he knows how much we love him. And there would be some pictures like these:
Of my blessings

Of me crying while Dennis takes a picture

Of me bossing everyone around while
Dennis takes a picture.

Of everyone else while I take a picture.
Right before we left to take Paul to the airport.

Of Paul and Wade and Isaac at the airport.

Of Dennis and Paul at the airport.

Of Paul and Zac walking away.
You can't see me crying behind the camera
and embarrassing Paul.
Of Paul when I cried, "Wait! Let me get
one last picture!!"
So you choose. Just read the one (or two) you might be interested in. But think of me fondly as you read, and know that I have a whopping headache from the busy and emotional weeks I've had!!
Oh. Dennis just brought me a bowl of freshly picked cherries. I feel better already.