Wednesday, September 9, 2009

STOP.

I know you've all been holding your breath for my next vacation post. But I have a bee in my bonnet. My knickers are in a twist. As my Grandma and then my Dad used to say, I need to rub my sore spot.

What I want to know is, where in the $%#* (pardon my symbols) did my self esteem go?

When did the idea that I'm not a good enough mom, or a good enough wife, or a good enough visiting teacher, or a good enough friend go from being an idea to being the only way I can think about myself?

And more importantly, what I want to know is, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

Here's the thing:

1. I truly SUCK at visiting teaching. I hate calling people and being social. It's something I can't do right now.

2. I don't cook dinner very often. My husband complains about it regularly. I don't like to cook.

3. My house is a sty. My husband complains about that regularly, too. Seems nobody has time to do much cleaning. We pick up the clutter and do the dishes, but that's really not enough for a family of six, even when one is living away from home right now.

4. My children are not involved in ANY extra-curricular activities. Wade has NEVER played on an organized sports team. Isaac has been begging to join the after school activities, but I can't let him. I don't have time.

5. I have debt coming out my ears. I am working as hard as I can to pay it off, and I am making good progress, but this is a LONG road, and I am weary. (What I want is enough money to buy a freaking NEW DOORKNOB for Wade and Isaac's bedroom. The one they have falls off if you look at it, let alone try to use it).

(And NO, there are not tears running down my face right now and dripping on my desk, because I am NOT having the world's biggest pity party).

Where was I? Oh yeah....

6. BAD WIFE.

7. I can't even get up the strength to call my siblings on their birthdays and anniversaries. Surely they know I'm thinking of them and that I love them? They know. Don't they?

And what right does ANYONE have to complain, especially me? I have a good life. I know I do. But like I said, there's a bee buzzing around in my bonnet, distracting me and making me very uncomfortable.

I want to write happy blog posts, sharing all my deep and profound thoughts and lifting the spirits of those around me. But the truth is, I don't have any deep and profound thoughts, and if I do, I don't remember them long enough to write them down. Or even type them.

And I KNOW that I don't lift the spirits of those around me. I was told recently that I'm kind of hard to be around, and that it's kind of hard to be nice to me. (Ouch. That hurts BAD).

So there you have it. That's where I am today. It's also where I was yesterday, and for several days before that. Probably still be there tomorrow.

And I have NO idea what I'm going to do about it.