I was SO inspired by General Conference. I was touched, reminded, chastised, and uplifted multiple times throughout the weekend. And was it just me, or was the music especially wonderful this time around?
Particularly applicable to my life was President Uchdorf's talk. You know the one I mean. The one when he looked directly at me and said, "STOP IT." That one cut me to the core. I am a horrible gossip, and I've always justified my gossiping by sticking ONLY to the facts, and using those facts to share knowledge that I think others might find useful. I don't gossip for gossip's sake, but I love to talk about other people! I like to help solve their problems, or see how their struggles and successes affect my life. I also am a first-class award-winning whiner. That is something I felt pretty bad about before the fateful "STOP IT" came into my life. Another thing? I have a bit of a temper. I get mad and I stay mad. I hold grudges until their edges are frayed and worn and I can't even remember their original color. The whole thing makes me nervous that I am overdue for some of the polishing President Eyring referred to...
Anyway, after President Uchdorf's talk, I felt loved and inspired to do better. To be better. To STOP IT. To stop fussing and whining and complaining and nursing my wounds and start loving and caring and helping and serving others.
Until we got stuck in traffic Sunday night coming home from Grammy's house. And the lane we were in was closing and we were trying to merge in very heavy traffic, and Dennis had his turn signal on for what seemed like ten minutes. And no one would let us in. So Dennis started easing over, and still the driver behind us wouldn't let us in. So he kept easing and she kept coming, until the kids in the back seat were literally looking at the driver in the car that wasn't all that behind us anymore. The road was bumpy and the kids were talking and the music was playing, and I thought I heard a little bump. I asked Dennis, "Did you hit that car? Did that car run in to us?" Dennis didn't think so, but the kids in the back said we did. At any rate, it was at most a bump. A BUMP.
I'm getting angry just thinking about it, and that is not the point here. The point here is that even though I feel we have been wronged, I need to let it go, cease worrying with it, and just STOP IT. I knew that last night while I cussed and cursed and cried about the jerk in that car, who had the gall to call the police and report us as leaving the scene of an "accident." I knew it while I was sassing the police officer and asking him if the freeway was just a free-for-all and that as long as someone is in their established lane, they can do anything they want, right? RIGHT?!! I even knew it while I took deep breaths and covered my face with my jacket and cried, and I felt Kate's little hand on my shoulder from the seat behind me. I knew it. I knew it the whole time. I even thought about President Uchdorf and how disappointed he would be in the shining example I was setting for my children and my poor embarrassed nephew. I knew it. But I didn't let it into my heart to change me.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry to my husband and children for my horrible behavior. I'm sorry to the kind police man who was just trying to do his job. I'm trying to be sorry to the lady who I think was a dummy, and stop thinking that she is a dummy and try to think of her as a nervous driver who was doing her best to deal with a bad traffic situation. I'm really trying to STOP IT. I have to do better. I just have to.
And I'll keep trying. Trying, trying, trying. And one of these days, maybe I'll get it right.
19 hours ago