Monday, April 2, 2012

If At First You Don't Succeed....

I was SO inspired by General Conference.  I was touched, reminded, chastised, and uplifted multiple times throughout the weekend.  And was it just me, or was the music especially wonderful this time around?

Particularly applicable to my life was President Uchdorf's talk.  You know the one I mean.  The one when he looked directly at me and said, "STOP IT."  That one cut me to the core.  I am a horrible gossip, and I've always justified my gossiping by sticking ONLY to the facts, and using those facts to share knowledge that I think others might find useful.  I don't gossip for gossip's sake, but I love to talk about other people!  I like to help solve their problems, or see how their struggles and successes affect my life.  I also am a first-class award-winning whiner.  That is something I felt pretty bad about before the fateful "STOP IT" came into my life.  Another thing?  I have a bit of a temper.  I get mad and I stay mad.  I hold grudges until their edges are frayed and worn and I can't even remember their original color.  The whole thing makes me nervous that I am overdue for some of the polishing President Eyring referred to...

Anyway, after President Uchdorf's talk, I felt loved and inspired to do better.  To be better.  To STOP IT.  To stop fussing and whining and complaining and nursing my wounds and start loving and caring and helping and serving others.

Until we got stuck in traffic Sunday night coming home from Grammy's house.  And the lane we were in was closing and we were trying to merge in very heavy traffic, and Dennis had his turn signal on for what seemed like ten minutes.  And no one would let us in.  So Dennis started easing over, and still the driver behind us wouldn't let us in.  So he kept easing and she kept coming, until the kids in the back seat were literally looking at the driver in the car that wasn't all that behind us anymore.  The road was bumpy and the kids were talking and the music was playing, and I thought I heard a little bump.  I asked Dennis, "Did you hit that car?  Did that car run in to us?"  Dennis didn't think so, but the kids in the back said we did.  At any rate, it was at most a bump.  A BUMP.

I'm getting angry just thinking about it, and that is not the point here.  The point here is that even though I feel we have been wronged, I need to let it go, cease worrying with it, and just STOP IT.  I knew that last night while I cussed and cursed and cried about the jerk in that car, who had the gall to call the police and report us as leaving the scene of an "accident."  I knew it while I was sassing the police officer and asking him if the freeway was just a free-for-all and that as long as someone is in their established lane, they can do anything they want, right?  RIGHT?!!  I even knew it while I took deep breaths and covered my face with my jacket and cried, and I felt Kate's little hand on my shoulder from the seat behind me.  I knew it.  I knew it the whole time.  I even thought about President Uchdorf and how disappointed he would be in the shining example I was setting for my children and my poor embarrassed nephew.  I knew it.  But I didn't let it into my heart to change me.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry to my husband and children for my horrible behavior.  I'm sorry to the kind police man who was just trying to do his job.  I'm trying to be sorry to the lady who I think was a dummy, and stop thinking that she is a dummy and  try to think of her as a nervous driver who was doing her best to deal with a bad traffic situation.  I'm really trying to STOP IT.  I have to do better.  I just have to.

And I'll keep trying.  Trying, trying, trying.  And one of these days, maybe I'll get it right.


Melody said...

Oh, Sis. I love you. I love that you are my sister in every possible way, truly my kindred spirit. I'm so lucky I have claim on you for eternity by virtue of family! :) I'm excited to watch all the conference talks too, it sounds like I might have to peek ahead and watch President Uchtdorf's before next weekend when we have no church meetings so we can watch, hooray!

And for the record, I have LONG held that of all the roads in the U.S. I have driven on, the stretch of I-15 between Salt Lake and Provo is my most hated. Gak.

Anna B said...

i loved conference and president uchdorf's talk. i also loved elder holland's talk, as always. he really has had such an impact on my testimony over the years. the music was fantastic--come thou fount almost moved me to tears.

so, not to be a facilitator of bad things, but i too love to talk about people! i am convinced that there is a difference between malicious gossip and chatting/news. right? i mean, they can get mixed up and one can definitely lead to the other. i'm rationalizing, aren't i? obviously i need to go listen to president uchdorf's talk again...

also, that driver sounds like an idiot head with poo for brains.

i love the honesty of your blog, marianne--i love this post, and you are succeeding, my friend!

Hubba said...

Miss you! Hope everything is going well :)

Janice Pyper said...

Oh Sis - I'm so sorry you had such a difficult experience going home after our fun family night. I too have had situations where I just reacted to someone's bad behavior and ended up feeling terrible. It always helps to take cookies to the person you had trouble with. :o) You probably can't do that, but if you had her name you could write her a note ....? You should not berate yourself too badly -- you are still and always have been an amazing young lady who totally has it together where it really counts! You will always be my dear little daughter, who has added so many wonderful and amazing things to my life! And as Mellie would say, lovelovelove! - Mom

Kazzy said...

I was moved by so many talks at conference, but the STOP IT talk was the one that was meant to change me. It is a process. I know it is. I don't have a problem with gossiping, but when Pres Uchtdorf said to stop ignoring people I thought, "That is what I do.".

I have a "friend" that has treated me horribly. A year ago I received an email from her saying she had decided that my friendship was damaging to her and that she had "neither the inclination nor the energy" to maintain our friendship. Out. Of. The. Blue. She lives in my neighborhood. I don't wave any more. I don't say hi in the hall at church. It is total righteous indignation on my part. I need to soften to a point where I can let it go and get my soul back.

She wrote me a compassionate email last week after we lost our granddaughter and my first thought was to respond by telling her that my family and real friends were helping in the healing process. Ugh. That was a bad thought. But instead of responding I am ignoring again. My small little reachable goal is to answer in a kind way and thank her for thinking of me. It will be hard, but I will try and channel Pres U when I do it.

I am sure our kids need to see us being human sometimes. They also see you doing things to serve others and to fill your calling and to love. Don't worry too much about a slip here and there. You are a good person. We are all learning these hard lessons together.


Sharon said...

I totally know how you feel! I've been trying to kick this one bad habit for years, and I have such a hard time actually stopping it. Even right before I start doing my bad habit (and during), I know I shouldn't, but I'm weak and I just go ahead anyway, and then I always regret it afterward. Hopefully the stop it talk will help me to really stop it! I'll keep trying too, and maybe we can succeed together. :)