Sunday, November 18, 2012

From the Bottom of My Heart

Saturday afternoon I came home from running errands, etc. and I could see that there was a little package in my mailbox.

"WOO HOO!" I thought.  "Amazon comes through for me again!"  I figured it was probably one of my recent Christmas orders.  But then I thought some more, and do you know what?  All my recent Amazon orders have been delivered, so it was really and truly a random surprise package!  The very best kind!!

And guess what, EVEN BETTER, it was for ME!!!  Not for Dennis or one of the kids.  FOR ME.

So I sneaked it in to the house before anyone else could see and start grabbing and asking, "What is that? Is it for me?"  Because, no thank you, it is for ME!

It was from an address that I didn't recognize, but the city on the return address gave me a moment's pause.  I actually know two people who live in this city, and I wondered if by some happy chance, one of them had sent me a little present?  Especially after my last whiny blog post?  Maybe?  How awesome would that be, and how amazingly timely and how terribly, terribly needed?!

So my hands shook a little bit while I carefully opened the package, because I was really excited and was trying to savor the moment.  Plus I didn't want to tear anything important.  And then, some tears started falling out of  my eyes, and my heart burst wide open with joy, because my friend sent me THREE bars of very special chocolate and a lovely card that instructed me, nay commanded me, to NOT SHARE ANY OF IT!  And the card also said other lovely things that literally had me sobbing, because....well....because....


I actually go around a lot of the time feeling unlovable, and like I'm pretty much a big fat dud.  And this beautiful card said that I am NOT unlovable, and that I am NOT a big fat dud!  My friend loves me, and she loves me enough to send me special chocolate and a sweet, sweet card.

Now, I do not tell you this so you will all feel obligated to send me presents in the mail.  Although that would be pretty awesome, the truth is, I just wanted to tell my friend how incredibly wonderful she made me feel.  My heart does a happy dance every time I see that little pile of chocolate and that thoughtful and super cute card.  I want to tell her, from the bottom of my heart, how much I needed that, and how much, much, much I appreciate it.

And now, a thought to end my blog post:  The Lord can't be sending me chocolate in the mail to cheer me up every time I get down.  But He has blessed me with friends who can send me chocolate, and friends who leave me sweet and optimistic and loving comments on my blog, and friends who let me have my fuss and are still my friends anyway, and that is how I know He loves me.

So thank you my friends, all of you, for taking the time.  It means so SO much to me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Keeping it Real

Sorry I've been AWOL lately.  I'm tellin' ya, I'm in WAY over my head these days.  And the really sad thing is that I'm not doing anything!!  Well, technically, that's not quite true, but I'm not doing much, so I'm not only feeling bad that I'm not doing all the things I should be doing, I'm also feeling guilty that I'm feeling bad when I really should be feeling pretty good!

Did that make any sense to you? didn't make any sense to me, either...

So here's the thing.  I started my new job three weeks ago, and it is KICKING MY TRASH.  Hard.  I am not accustomed to feeling so utterly and completely incompetent.  I am so busy at work that I barely have time to take a potty break, and every day at lunch time I lock my office door and cry while I eat because I am so overwhelmed.  This stress is spilling over in a very real and very messy way into my life at home.  By the time I get home each day, I am practically frantic because I'm ALWAYS late coming home, and I just don't want to be!!  I want to be here when the boys get home from school, and that has not happened ONE TIME since I started my new job.  And then it's time for homework and practicing, and everyone is fussy because they don't want to do their homework and practicing, and neither do I for crying out loud!  And not only do I not want to do homework and practicing, I don't want to fix dinner and I don't want to unload the dishwasher and I don't want to do anything but crawl whimpering to my bed and stay there for several years.

I know part (a big part?) of the problem is that I'm not sleeping well.  I don't do well at all when I don't get enough sleep.  But even when I go to bed early, and sleep a long time, I don't feel rested and I don't feel ready for a new day when it's time to get up.  (And don't talk to me about sleep apnea...this is my pity party so let me have my cry).  Anyway, I wake up in the night and my mind clutches on to some random work thing to worry about, and then I can't go back to sleep, and if I do, I have horrible dreams about stupid stuff like avalanches and something that makes my knees hurt, but I can never tell what it is.  Yeah, so the sleeping isn't going that great.

So the truth is--the real and stupid truth--I am struggling pretty hard right now.  Something's got to give, but I don't know what, and meanwhile, I'm miserable and I'm making everyone around me miserable.

And that's the news from my neck of the woods.  Things will get better--they usually do.  And meanwhile, I'll keep robbing Isaac's Halloween candy since my chocolate stash is utterly depleted.  And oh yeah, it's Wordless Wednesday, so here you go: