Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Keeping it Real

Sorry I've been AWOL lately.  I'm tellin' ya, I'm in WAY over my head these days.  And the really sad thing is that I'm not doing anything!!  Well, technically, that's not quite true, but I'm not doing much, so I'm not only feeling bad that I'm not doing all the things I should be doing, I'm also feeling guilty that I'm feeling bad when I really should be feeling pretty good!

Did that make any sense to you? didn't make any sense to me, either...

So here's the thing.  I started my new job three weeks ago, and it is KICKING MY TRASH.  Hard.  I am not accustomed to feeling so utterly and completely incompetent.  I am so busy at work that I barely have time to take a potty break, and every day at lunch time I lock my office door and cry while I eat because I am so overwhelmed.  This stress is spilling over in a very real and very messy way into my life at home.  By the time I get home each day, I am practically frantic because I'm ALWAYS late coming home, and I just don't want to be!!  I want to be here when the boys get home from school, and that has not happened ONE TIME since I started my new job.  And then it's time for homework and practicing, and everyone is fussy because they don't want to do their homework and practicing, and neither do I for crying out loud!  And not only do I not want to do homework and practicing, I don't want to fix dinner and I don't want to unload the dishwasher and I don't want to do anything but crawl whimpering to my bed and stay there for several years.

I know part (a big part?) of the problem is that I'm not sleeping well.  I don't do well at all when I don't get enough sleep.  But even when I go to bed early, and sleep a long time, I don't feel rested and I don't feel ready for a new day when it's time to get up.  (And don't talk to me about sleep apnea...this is my pity party so let me have my cry).  Anyway, I wake up in the night and my mind clutches on to some random work thing to worry about, and then I can't go back to sleep, and if I do, I have horrible dreams about stupid stuff like avalanches and something that makes my knees hurt, but I can never tell what it is.  Yeah, so the sleeping isn't going that great.

So the truth is--the real and stupid truth--I am struggling pretty hard right now.  Something's got to give, but I don't know what, and meanwhile, I'm miserable and I'm making everyone around me miserable.

And that's the news from my neck of the woods.  Things will get better--they usually do.  And meanwhile, I'll keep robbing Isaac's Halloween candy since my chocolate stash is utterly depleted.  And oh yeah, it's Wordless Wednesday, so here you go:


t.t.turner said...

Candy really does make everything better. Or Diet Coke. Seriously, take a moment for your self, go to McDonald's, and get a HUGE Diet Coke for $1. Instant happiness (for a few minutes). Thank you for being real. Love you.

Sharon said...

Totally agree about the candy making things better! (And good thing Catherine doesn't care or really know that the candy is really hers...)

I totally feel for you about the lack of good sleep. I think this past week was the first in a LONG time that I actually felt like I got decent sleep...where I wasn't utterly exhausted when I had to wake up for the day. And it has nothing to do with having a newborn...I wake up on my own before she does. Good sleep really does help everything else go better. I'll be sending good sleep vibes your way! Hope things calm down for you at work too!

Susan said...

Everything is harder when you don't have enough sleep. Everything. I hope things start calming down at your new job. Sending hugs and good dreams your way from Kansas.

heath said...

I'm sorry things have been rough. I understand how stressful it can be.

One of the things I had to be careful of as an advisor is caring too much. When I was one on one with students, I really tried to focus on what they needed and to be empathetic and all those good things. And I tried to learn everything I was supposed to learn and be inventive and all those other things in between. And then when I walked out that door at the end of the night I had to flip a switch and stop caring. (I know, this sounds like really bad advice.)

I was able to do it most of the time--there were definitely nights where some situations kept my brain spinning far longer than I would like, but usually I was a good girl and left my work at work. But I guess that doesn't help with emotional break-downs at work. :)

Even though I don't know exactly what's making you feel overwhelmed, I'll pray that any and all culprits start to dissipate and go away. Just know that you are loved (I love seeing all these old music friends commenting--you drew us all into your world and you can't get rid of us, bwa ha ha!).

Kim said...

Oh Marianne, I'm sorry you are having a rough time! I wish I lived down the street so I could stop by with a giant cupcake. That would at least help things for a few minutes! Just know that things will get easier, they always seem to, right? You'll get better and more confident with things, and knowing you, I bet you are already doing a way better job than you give yourself credit for!

Also, you are awesome and I think you should be reminded of that. :) I love you and miss our once in a while lunches together. I listened to the Eroica the other night, and thought "Marianne!!" Then I was dreaming of travels and looking up tickets for next summer and found flights through Dallas, connecting in London, and again thought "Marianne!" Thanks for so many good memories and just being YOU!! You can DO IT! :)

Anna B said...

I love that you keep it real--thanks for sharing with us. SOOO sorry that work is so difficult right now and no sleep is the pits! And the bummer of it is that not being able to sleep usually stresses me out, thus insomnia both causes stress and is the result of stress. It is evil. I wish I could apparate to UT (or strap on my jetpack or whatever, when is that going to happen modern technology??) and be your personal cook and maid. I would so love that. Until then, sending relaxing and good sleep vibes your way.

Natalie said...

My sweet friend I am so sorry that you get feeling this way about yourself because there is so much that you do. We all have times of "I just don't wanna" and then it passes and we are super human and then we don't wanna again. It's so normal. My advice, is stop being so awesome and then you won't feel bad when you are only managing "normal". Love you friend. Today is a good happy excellent day to be normal. Tomorrow you can get back to awesome :-)